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We are all familiar with the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” Sometimes it’s very easy to overlook the gems hidden inside the challenges we face. In other words, dismissing things that seem unwanted can mean we miss those gems.
An experience with my email provider this morning brought this home to me, and while this may seem a bit off-topic for us, please bear with me for just a few minutes.
Lately I have found my email to be unusually unreliable. I send messages that don’t arrive. Messages sent to me are lost on a regular basis. For me, this is especially troublesome, as I do much of my communication with clients via email. It has caused a number of unnecessary issues.
After spending an hour with a technical support person for my email provider, I discovered that they had re-set my SPAM filter settings, without my knowledge, and I subsequently located many of the missing emails.
These types of things happen, especially in an automated world. After much explaining, experimenting and resetting of email preferences, the issue was FINALLY resolved.
What this led me to, though, is perhaps pertinent to all of us in pursuit of our own ambitions.
This email issue originated when someone(s) said, “Please protect me . . . from unwanted messages in my inbox.” This seems a reasonable request. Or is it?
This simple request spawned an entire industry devoted to creating filters and algorhythms designed to discard the “unwanted” and make sure that I only get messages I want (my gems).
Sounds good, until you get to the next question: how does any computer program know what I want or don’t want? For that matter, how does anyone else on the planet know what I want? They don’t. And thus, the real issue behind my frustration emerged.
When we give someone else permission to protect us from something unwanted, we also give them the power to decide not only how they will protect us, but also what constitutes ‘unwanted.’
In essence, we are giving someone else the power to decide what’s “good for us” - and we trust that they know what our “gems” are. The reality is, though, that no one else can ever know what you want or don’t want. At best, they are guessing at what most people consider unwanted.
We have given up our freedom to choose, because we no longer “know” or have access to ALL of our choices.
(Just as an aside, like everything we decide to “fight against,” the object of our resistance only gets stronger, more determined, and more prevalent.)
So here’s where this roundabout train of thought gets really relevant.
We each have created our own “spam filters” in our un-conscious mind, and turned over to them the power to discard “messages” that look like spam without our noticing them. We have, over the course of many years, grouped and categorized large blocks of things, and ideas, that we just dismiss without looking at them.
Everyday, we are presented with opportunities to see things that we have never seen before or that are commonplace to us - in new ways. And, because we have finely tuned our internal spam mechanism to “hide” things from us that do not support our chosen direction and priorities, there are a number of things that are filtered and stored in our brains without us ever consciously noticing them! And every single one of those things might contain the gem we are looking for, hoping for and asking for.
Perhaps it’s time to take a new look at some of the things we file away without examination. Set an intention that you will notice things that will give you insight and new perspectives that will serve you in making the most of the issues you are facing today. Trust that what you need is right in front of you and that you will notice when it shows up.
Then, when you notice something, take a good look to see if there is a “baby” in there that is worth nurturing into a full blown gem of a GREAT IDEA!
Just Imagine That!
Let’s talk a bit more about stories today, and how they can keep us from moving forward.
Think about your average day. It’s probably filled to the brim with lots of activities.
Most of these activities, while necessary, are not, in themselves, extremely valuable in the long term. They are the small steps that all contribute to the vision that you have for your future.
Take this blog post, for example. It’s on my list of things to do today. In and of itself, I rank it’s value as pretty small. It’s primary value, at least to me, is that its a small contribution to the body of work that I am creating to accomplish my big goals. And, my day will be filled with similar activities.
At the end of the day, all the activities I’ve done will have moved me a bit further towards my goals.
Another way to look at it is that all of the activities I have done in the past have resulted in where I am and what I have achieved as of today.
Stories are much like that. They are really just the details of life. They are comprised of many small things that continue to fill our days, and the result is who we are today.
Here’s my point.
When I allow myself to be totally focused on the activities and the story (the details), of each day, I can very easily lose sight of my big goals - the reason I’m doing the activities in the first place. In the past, I have done just that (more than once), with the result that I seemed to be moving very quickly in a big circle. Which, of course, wasn’t getting me where I wanted to go very fast.
What I have learned from that is this: The activities are important. (Dreams without action don’t usually produce the results I want.)
Their importance, however, just like my story, lies in the moment of doing them, or experiencing them. Once they are past, they are only important in the results they bring, the lessons they teach, and their contribution to the whole.
The way I have learned to keep this perspective is two-fold ~ and I do this most days.
First, I let go of my story from yesterday. I write down all the parts of it that I’m still thinking about. (See Just Dump It! for more detail on this.) This helps me to let them go.
Then, I spend a little time reflecting on what I learned from yesterday, how it contributed to the overall goal, and what’s important for me to remember. I write that down as well.
So, by letting go of the details - we can make mental space and time for the important stuff - like making progress. . .
Just Imagine That!
Tags: Awareness, Perspective
Stories…we all have one.
All the things you have done. All the things that have happened in your life. All the things you’ve witnessed, or heard about. This is your story.
And every day we add to our story.
Many of us think of ourselves as being defined by our story. We’ve spent most of our time there, and it’s how we’re used to interacting.
Let me explain what I mean by that.
Here’s my story from yesterday:
I got up early, after not having enough sleep, and drove to my niece Sandra’s house. I spent most of the day with her and my sister Denise. We had a yard sale which was very successful. We sat under a large shade tree for most of the time, and talked and met some interesting people who stopped by. We sold the majority of what we had. About 4:00 I left there and met Mitch at Barrett Commons AMC. We saw a new release called “Moon”, which we enjoyed. Then we went home, had dinner, and relaxed for the evening.
That’s my story (the very short version) from just yesterday.
Was there anything there that was interesting to you? Was there anything there that remains relevant for me today? Answering for myself, I’d say “no.”
The facts about what I did are a part of my story, but they were only relevant in the moment.
What might be still relevant to me are the less tangible things about yesterday. How the experience(s) made me feel. Any insights or knowledge that I gained. Anything that might be useful to me - or to other people - today or in the future.
So, here’s another version of my yesterday - without the story:
 I enjoy times when I relax and become fully engaged in where I am, who I’m with, and just “go with the flow.” It’s a refreshing change to most of my days. I think I’d like to create more time in my life for just “being.” I’d be happier if I took some of pressure of always “doing” off of myself. I laugh more and generally feel better when I do that. I also liked the movie - it was an interesting concept.
Those two things I choose to hold on to. They are relevant to me today, and perhaps even to you. (There were some other little pieces of information and insights that I think might be interesting to certain other people, but you get the idea.)
The point of all this is that if I spend part of today either thinking or talking about my story from yesterday, I’m not present today - I’m living in my past. (And, I just may be boring other people in the process.)
Rather than that, if I spend some time today thinking and talking about the insights I gained, I can perhaps inspire myself - and someone else - to act on them.
So, when someone asks me, “How was your weekend?”, my response will generally be the latter description, or at least the part of it that I think might be relevant to them.
And, when I reflect on my weekend, I choose to think of it in those terms. It just seems more productive to do it that way, because I choose to be - and share - something other than my story…
Just Imagine That!
Tags: Awareness, Perspective, Relationship
Yesterday we talked about how sometimes our longstanding beliefs can become limiting, and how they can keep us from what we want now.
One way to challenge those beliefs, and perhaps begin to change them is to re-frame how we express them - to others and to ourselves.
We can change “I’m not good at math” to “Until recently I wasn’t good at math” or “In the past I wasn’t good at math.”
That may seem superficial at first glance, until you remember where your beliefs came from, and how they became so strong - through constant repetition and re-inforcement over time. You’ve probably said that and thought that many, many times. And with each repetition, it became a stronger belief.
It makes sense then, that if you start saying it in a new way, eventually you can actually change the limiting belief.
It can take time for you to actually believe it, however, especially if it’s deeply ingrained.
So, here’s another thing you can do to perhaps speed up the process.
Think of an example of a belief that is holding you back from something you want, and try this simple exercise:
| “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford |
Go into your imagination, without trying to change the belief, and ask yourself, What if that wasn’t true? How would that change things? What possibilities would that open up?
Spend a few quiet moments with this possibility, and write down whatever comes to you.
Are the rewards of changing that belief big enough for you to really want to change it? Can you find strong enough reasons to make you choose to change it?
Remember, what you believe is your choice. Even if they were acquired long ago, and without a conscious decision on your part, your beliefs are what you choose them to be.
And you can make another choice! It’s up to you!
Just Imagine That!
Tags: Imagination Exercise, Perspective, Preference
This week we have been increasing our awareness about our long-standing beliefs and how they influence the way we live our lives.
To recap - many of our beliefs became a part of who we are at a very young age. They usually operate behind the scenes at a subconscious level and show up as things we feel we should or should not do. These Shoulds become very strong influences when we decide to step out and try new things and behaviors.
We initially adopted our Shoulds because they were accepted guidelines that were supposed to help us live a “good life.” This was all well and good for “then.”
But, what about now?
As you have grown and changed – and as the world around you has changed (dramatically, I might add!)– some of those beliefs have become roadblocks that can stop you from creating the success and life that you want.
In fact, when you are very determined that you want to accomplish something – and you just can’t quite seem to make headway in that direction, this is a clue that a Should is operating in the background!
Now, if you see a Should as an immovable force in your life…it actually becomes an excuse that you use to hold yourself back.
Here’s another way to look at this…Is it possible that believing that you will always be a certain way because you have always been that way, has become an excuse for not going for what you want?
If you feel this is possible, and if you want to make quicker and easier progress in creating success, it is important that you change your thinking so that you can let go of your excuses. One way to do this is to modify your beliefs and your Shoulds so that they serve you better right now.
We began to work on this yesterday by suggesting you take a conscious look at some of the Shoulds you have become aware of this week and asking, “Is this belief still true for me and who I am now?”
Did you find that some of your Shoulds no longer make logical sense when you consider who you are and what you want to do now? If you did, you can begin to loosen your grip on this belief by restating it in a way that puts some space between the past – when you adopted this belief – and the present.
Here’s an example that will show you how to do this.
Say you have the following belief: “I am not good at math.”
Now see how this next statement feels: “Until recently, I was not good at math.”
Doesn’t that feel tons better? By adding “Until recently…” to the beginning of any belief that no longer serves you, you move that old belief into the past, opening the door to experiencing it’s opposite in the present! Pretty cool, huh?
Give this a try whenever you think or say a negative statement about yourself. Just say or think it again adding until recently to the beginning of the statement.
When you approach a Should with a new “now” perspective, you create possibilities. You begin to lift the weight off that belief and feel energized by the possibility that you can now do something to move forward!
Just Imagine That!
Tags: Awareness, Perspective, Possibility Exercise
Many of us grew up with an ideal that we labeled “The American Dream.” It signified a whole group of Shoulds that promised to bring us great rewards.
In essence, it said we all should:
- Find a good job and work hard.
- Get married, buy a house and have 2.4 children.
- Play by the rules.
- Don’t take risks.
- Save and invest for the future.
- Be serious, be responsible, and stay focused on getting ahead.
The promised reward, after many years of diligent work, was a secure, carefree, and fun retirement. Travel, fishing, freedom, grandchildren, and lots of time to enjoy all the things we missed while being responsible.
Most of us now realize that, for the most part, this dream is only experienced by a lucky few. We’ve learned that waiting until we retire to enjoy the “good life” is no longer satisfying. And we are beginning to incorporate the things we enjoy into our daily lives - including our work - instead of waiting and hoping we will get to enjoy those things later.
The American Dream is an example of beliefs that we, as a culture, have been taught to accept as truth, even though they really don’t apply to - or work for - most people. Yet, we continue to believe in them, and follow the rules mandated by them.
What about you? Are there Shoulds you are working toward and using as a basis for making decisions that may not be true - or right - for you? Have your Shoulds become long-standing habits that are hindering you rather than helping you?
With this in mind, let’s go back to the list of Shoulds you made on Monday (click here if you missed that one).
For each of these Shoulds, ask yourself, “Is that really true for me?” or “Is that still true for me?”
If not, is this a belief that you want to hold on to? Does it help you move forward, or does it limit your choices? Are the pros of holding on to it greater than the cons?
Whittle your list down to include only those beliefs that are probably hindering you more than helping you.
Now, is there some way you can modify these beliefs so that they will serve you better right now?
We’ll go a little further with this tomorrow…
Just Imagine That!
Tags: Awareness, Awareness Exercise, Perspective
In our last Grease for the Gears, we introduced you to the Shoulds - the beliefs we have about what we should or should not do. Today we are going to look at a great way to evaluate our Shoulds to see if they serve us or not.
First, let’s talk a little more about Shoulds and where they come from. Shoulds are not inherently good or bad. Actually they can make our lives much more manageable by sorting information and making certain decisions for us without taking up our conscious thinking time that we need for other activities.
Yet, Shoulds can also sneak up on us. Because they are beliefs we have “adopted” and they are primarily unconscious, they often function as an internal autopilot that determines our direction and actions without us being aware of it.
Hmmm…. this makes me wonder. How much of what we do on a daily basis is determined by our Shoulds? And how do we know when we are operating on our Should autopilot?
Actually, it is easier than you think! Even though our Shoulds are mostly unconscious, they are also very literal! To become aware when you are under the influence of a Should, listen to what you say and what you are thinking. If we listen, Shoulds clearly identify themselves by actually using the word should or shouldn’t in their instructions to us.
Now, here’s how you can use the literal nature of the Shoulds to help you evaluate them and determine if any particular Should serves you and matches up with who you are here and now.
When you hear yourself saying (or thinking) I should or I shouldn’t… STOP and ask yourself this question…
“Whose voice is that anyway?”
Why is this a good question? Somewhere, sometime, someone taught you this Should. They probably said this Should over and over to you– essentially downloading their beliefs from their autopilot to yours.
But, what worked for them may be holding you back from living your definition of success.
Once you identify a Should, you can decide if it reflects your voice – or somebody else’s.
When you evaluate what’s in your autopilot and consciously choose your beliefs, you will be amazed at how what you prefer to create and your results line up much more quickly and easily.
Just Imagine That!
Tags: Awareness Exercise
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